Freedom from Self-Punishment



The healing journey requires self-responsibility and sometimes a willingness to face unpleasant truths. To participate with self-honesty we have to be willing to ask, “Do I punish myself?’ It may not be an easy question, but self-punishment, unfortunately, is rather common, and if we choose to free ourselves, it’s worth exploring.

Defining Self-Punishment

While many would state that self-punishment is a conscious intentional harming of oneself, it’s driving force is in the unconscious and subconscious layers of the lower ego personality. It’s the emotional pain and mental body programs that we are holding in our energetic field that cause us to act in ways that we may not understand, and yet create unkindness with ourselves. Sometimes these are carried over from experiences in other lives. And while self-punishment can be an active form of aggression with ourselves, it’s also expressed in the ways that we deny ourselves love, joy, and inner peace.

How We Harm Ourselves

Types of harm range from mild impact to severe impact. In no particular order, here are some examples:

  • consuming foods that we know compromise our health
  • consuming recreational drugs
  • berating self-criticism
  • living in anger with ourselves, others, God or the world
  • perpetuating addiction patterns
  • cutting or burning oneself
  • hitting or punching oneself
  • allowing oneself to be abused by another person
  • neglecting personal care
  • putting oneself in harm’s way or engaging in reckless behaviour
  • starving oneself
  • not allowing joy into one’s life
  • resisting or avoiding spiritual practices that we know help us maintain inner balance
  • not allowing ourselves to let go of the past
  • not allowing ourselves to listen to our own hearts

This list could be even more extensive because anything that is out of alignment with our personal truth and creates disharmony in our bodies, minds, emotions, hearts and souls is harming.

I’ve witnessed self-punishment arise from other timelines, for myself and with clients, for the following reasons:

  • we participated with the dark side
  • we were unable to lead or protect a community, family or family member and watched loved ones die
  • we made a decision that negatively impacted many or caused many deaths
  • we feel we should have been able to stop negative consequences
  • we made contracts or commitments with ourselves to pay for our misdeeds
  • we were unable to successfully complete a spiritual mission
  • we believe it’s true that God abandoned us and so we decide that we are unworthy
  • we were an abused slave and still believe that we are powerless

Why We Self-Punish

There are essentially two core reasons that we punish ourselves; feeling guilty for something that we have done that we know we should not have, or shame for who we are. Yet, these are very closely connected and can feed each other in an insidious cycle: if we feel badly for what we have done we often identify with a low opinion of ourselves, and if we have a core negative self-perception we are apt to act in ways that do not value ourselves and others.

I would also add that when we feel powerless to control what feels uncontrollable we can turn on ourselves because we can control ourselves. Though, this infers that we are frustrated in our inability to enact change or to be effective. In other words, underneath the powerlessness is still a negative view of ourselves. Self-punishment wouldn’t happen if we could experience ourselves beyond our pain body, perceive ourselves and events accurately, and see who we truly are to be able to value ourselves.

What’s the Cost?

'Prisoner with chain around hands'

‘Prisoner with chain around hands’

Collectively, we have a tendency to categorize forms of self-abuse according to the severity of impact on our body or our living. For example, eating a cookie when we’ve committed to a weight loss diet can be deemed to be less dramatic than repeatedly injecting heroin. Nonetheless, asking ourselves what our choices are costing us is always a valid question when we want to change from limitation to expansion. However, the cost to a person as a result of self-punishment can only really be defined by the individual. Firstly, our ego perception has to be able to accurately see the consequences, and accept that there is a consequence. Sometimes our ego will deny that there is a problem. For example, if we indulge in sweets or alcohol to fit in, or to please others, and we know it hurts our body, then we have to see that we are abandoning our needs. Secondly, that cost is then weighed against who and what we value. If we value our body and our own needs then we stop indulging. The challenge is that if we still deem ourselves to be deserving of self-punishment, recognizing the cost can actually support our self-punishment. Subconsciously, we may think, “Good, I deserve that. So what if I feel awful when I do that?”

Perpetuated Self-Punishment

'Captured' Found on


Needless to say, continuing to hang onto guilt or shame and negative self-perceptions only takes us deeper into lower frequencies and keeps us caged. We can hold attachments to pain, suffering, disconnection, or victim consciousness. Without healing our wounds, whether they are from past or present timelines, we remain in a punishing relationship with ourselves, never letting ourselves “off the hook” and/or lashing out at ourselves.

hiding in the shadowsUnderstanding that the negative alien archontic deception strategies are intended to keep us in enslavement, then we also understand that self-punishment fits perfectly into their agenda. If something traumatic happened to us in a particular timeline, and we have turned on ourselves in our emotional pain, a part of our tortured consciousness or a splinter from our shadow body that is connected to that incarnation can be used against us to keep us in repetitive painful thoughts and emotions. Then, this negative form is used by the controlling forces to recreate or usurp our genetic material and parasitize our energy. Given that the dark forces have controlled this planet for thousands of years, it’s often the dark energy that was the cause of the trauma or anguish in the first place: our history is littered with wars, invasions, genocide and holocausts, and black magic is also commonly used to thwart those who are of the Light. Many years or lifetimes later, if we are not awake to this type of control, we are still reliving the pain.


Free as a bird.

Free as a bird.

The fundamental choice for us is between ego and Spirit. All forms of self-punishment are ego-driven. So, either we allow the negative ego to continue to define our lives or we let Spirit lead. When we are aligned with Spirit ego takes a back seat. As we evolve and clear out the distortions in our thoughts, emotions and our blueprint, this is a choice we have to diligently make each day. We have to assert our right to be at peace with ourselves.

If we pay attention to our negative ego patterns, we can witness any patterns of pain that surface through our observer consciousness, and in doing so, we can essentially collapse the negative energy. When we see the looping that the negative form creates and we see it for the game that it is, and we get very clear in our inner being that we are not going to allow ourselves to be played anymore, then we can break the mental looping and reclaim our power.

Healing Case Studies

1. In my personal experience, I found myself repeatedly looping in emotional pain as it related to the suffering in animals. This was coming from a past timeline trauma in which I thought I had been unsuccessful in crossing over animal beings. It was black magic that disconnected me from my higher power but I felt powerless and blamed myself. I relived this anguish over and over again, but I wasn’t clear of the source of it, and so I didn’t see how or why this was so painful, or that I was punishing myself.

For years, I also had dreams of losing my cat and not being able to find her. When I did, there were many cats and I couldn’t distinguish whether it was my sweet companion or not as they all looked the same. This “bad dream” would create a mild fear each time. It all came to head one night when my cat was cloned on another dimension – I “woke up” to see this happening and there were two of her in the room. Upon reflection the next day, it stirred my emotional pain. And subconsciously, I was triggered into my sense of powerlessness from the past.

Yet, when I accessed that past timeline, and connected the dots, I realized that not only was I unnecessarily blaming myself, but those dreams were holographic inserts of manipulation to keep me looping.  Cloning her was another attempt to use my energy. Once I saw all this clearly, everything stopped – no more anguish about suffering animals, no more self-punishment and pain about the past, and no more fear about what might happen in the future.

2. Sophie was referred to me by a bodyworker because she had inexplicable pain all over her body. As is often the case, in the very first session, I was guided right to the core of the issue. What we uncovered was that Sophie had killed someone in another lifetime, and this was still having a significant influence. We uncovered how in this timeline she was now subconsciously punishing herself for this. However, we acknowledged that she was the victim in this experience because she was manipulated into this act and had no choice at the time. Even with understanding this and processing this in session, Sophie still held herself accountable and could not forgive herself. I was guided that she was trying to forgive herself with reasoning, and the absence of her Divine heart. She was aware of this too and we worked to release another layer. She felt the remorse and still hung onto the pain. In fact, her body pain increased for a short while but she grew more tired of the self-punishment. I was guided to give her a clearing meditation, and I was also given a customized affirmation for her – a prayer asking God to help her to release her pain and the past, and to declare her self-forgiveness. Sophie reported that after using that for 10 days she had three days where she was virtually pain free. In addition, her consciousness was raised to realizing that the pain she felt in her body was directly related to how she was in relationship with herself: if she freed herself and allowed herself kindness, the pain decreased. Sophie and I continue to work together to release more lower frequency patterns that contribute to her pain.

The Only Choice is Self-Forgiveness

Hoping that the past could have been different does not right a wrong, it only keeps us out of the present. Keeping pain is not required to learn from our experiences, it only contracts us. Placing restrictions and limitations on our joy now doesn’t balance the past, it tethers us to it.  And worrying that we might make the same mistake again only keeps us locked in fear. Instead, if we accept that the choice we made in the past was the best possible choice we could have made for ourselves at that moment of our consciousness, and in the context of our reality at that time, then we can liberate ourselves from punishing views of ourselves.

Only our Divine Self can carry us through any pain we still hold and dissolve it.  The reasoning mind cannot heal our pain. Only the unconditionally loving heart can. This means there is no room for judgment. There can be no unforgiveness. We all have lived experiences that require our self-forgiveness, but we don’t have to remain caged in pain. For this reason, a regular practice of self-forgiveness is a key to our liberation.

Consider that if deny our Soul-Spirit, we are turning away from our life. When we do not acknowledge, allow or express the truth of our unique self, we diminish our fullest potential. On a planet where we have been hypnotized to stay asleep to our Spirit, and traumatized to stay in fear, it can be a challenge to reconnect with the God Within. However, it is not impossible. When we see ourselves as love, we gift ourselves with grace, and our intention to honour the life we have chosen to live matters. Choosing to respect our Divine humanity, and choosing to heal, is the way to refuse to punish ourselves further.

A Healing Affirmation for You

 'If You Can'

‘If You Can’ – You Can!

I forgive myself for what I have done long ago.

I forgive myself for what I might do.

I forgive myself for forgetting to be love now.

I forgive myself for seeing myself as less than Divine.

I forgive myself so that I may let go.

I forgive myself to be Light.

I am deserving of self-forgiveness.

I forgive so that we can all be free.

And so it is.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

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2021 (Amâeil) Melinda Urban