Humans seem to have great deal of difficulty communicating with one another. We sometimes don’t listen well, we can speak at cross purposes, or make assumptions about what’s being said. We often beat around the bush when something is difficult to say, or we can trip over our words when we are unclear with ourselves. I have a cellular memory of times when communication was more telepathic and so much easier. Our words are often inadequate and confuse our communications. It seems to distill down to a difficulty that we do not say what we mean.
One significant obstacle to effective communication is the distortion in our ability to feel and name our own emotions. People have many limiting beliefs about emotions that are created in childhood experiences, through societal messaging, and mind control, and the most fundamental of these is that our emotions are not okay. This means that we tend not to acknowledge our emotions when they are stirring, let alone accept them. If we do not stay in present moment connection to our emotional selves, then our emotions fail to inform as to how we want to respond in a conversation. We lose touch with what we exactly want to say so that we can be heard. If we don’t know ourselves, how can we possibly expect the other person to understand us?
We are masters at being indirect. We fear that if we are too honest about our feelings we will offend, or if we express authentically we will be disliked. We have difficulty claiming and expressing our truth. So we find ways to hide from ourselves and soften the harshness with others, but we can end up being obscure. I’ve heard all sorts of strategies in my counselling practice; depersonalizing statements is at the top of the list: “you know how you feel when…” Expressing incomplete thoughts is another: instead of saying “I felt lost about what to say to her about her actions”, what gets expressed is “I didn’t know”. The listener is compelled to have to draw out the clarification, as in “you didn’t know what?” A third strategy is to mumble the part of the sentence that would actually drive the point home as if to say this with conviction would be too daring.
We can be particularly adept at being indirect about anger. One client of mine wisely called sarcasm “oblique aggression”. Since she grew up in a home where any honest expression of her painful emotions was met with shaming attacks and punishing abuse, she learned to completely hide her emotional vulnerability. Much later in life, she still couldn’t be direct about her anger and feared being hurt if she did, so she continued to use sarcasm as a way of speaking up and protecting herself at the same time. It was a way of making her emotions known without having to openly admit and state the painful truth.
Sarcasm can be a substitute for requesting to have our needs met. It can be a learned behaviour if our requests were not honoured and respected as a child. Eventually we become afraid to stand up for ourselves, and express with forthrightness. For example, a person might remark, “Do you think you could be a little louder?” when what they want to ask is, “Can you please be a little quieter so that I can focus on my reading?” While sarcasm can be bitter and cutting, I’ve noticed that some people don’t like to be on the receiving end of an honest, straight-forward request either; they respond with defensiveness, seemingly because to meet the other person’s need they would have to consciously acknowledge their own shortcomings.
There are other times when we are just not expressing in integrity with ourselves. We can sell ourselves short by saying something as simple as, “I’m so clumsy when it comes to anything mechanical”, when in truth, when we apply discernment, it’s not that we are clumsy, it’s that we never learned how to manage those things. We can find ways not to own what matters to us, and make light of it, pre-judging that others will think we are foolish. There are also occasions when we speak a half-truth, embellishing or detracting from the facts, in order to please or entertain.
Of course, there is also the polarity to expressing too circuitously: being very direct without tact. Throwing words out without mindfulness or meaning can be similar to throwing sharp darts; they attack and wound, and leave behind psychic debris. The person delivering such words can feel the need to protect themselves and strike out, or maybe even have the need to be right, so much so that they don’t bear in mind the sensitivity of another.
Words carry a frequency, and this begins with a thought-form. If the thought-form is disconnected from the heart it will be delivered as such and received as such. Our first choice is whether to listen to ourselves on the inner or not. To consciously do so is to pause and get clear, bring ourselves into alignment with our fullest God expression, and then speak. We can choose to express more confusion and contribute to the collective chaos and separation, or say what we mean, with honesty, openness and humility.
“Before speaking, consider whether it is an improvement upon silence.”
Philip Simmons in Learning to Fall
Dear Mother/Father God and the Holy Christos-Sophia, beloveds Guardians and the Aurora Forces, I loving command 12th-dimensional blessings for each person reading this now, and all of humanity, to clear and heal our missteps in trying to communicate with one another: the ego defensiveness that often takes the place of expressing the hurt or other painful emotions that we really feel, the fallout of confusion from not being able to stay focused on one point at a time, the gap that arises because we are blind to the possibility that everyone involved can feel validated and accepted, and the mental looping, stubbornness and refusal to listen that just won’t let us drop into our hearts and be present to one another with curiosity and understanding. For the sake of peace amongst us all, may we learn to humbly see and hear one another in truth, and with discernment. Thank you. It is so.
Copyright 2014 Melinda Urban www.MelindaUrban.com All Rights Reserved
Healing with Heart to Awaken the Deep Truth Within. Appointments in person or by phone. Specializing in clearing stubborn patterns. Integrating holographic clearing of your multi-dimensional blueprint, energy psychotherapy, thetahealing®, and vocal healing. Subscribe FREE to my newsletter – timely articles, tools and inspiration.